


My Beating Heart (FANMADE ALTERNATE ENDING)

by Holdingbackrain



Series: Like a Drum (Fanmade Alt Ending) [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, House Party, Implied Reincarnation/Past Life, M/M, Mild Language, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:49:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holdingbackrain/pseuds/Holdingbackrain
Summary: This is a continuation/alt ending to the Like a Drum fanfics by Lownly
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Series: Like a Drum (Fanmade Alt Ending) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199234
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	1. I Missed You (Alt Ending to Chapter 7)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lownly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lownly/gifts).
  * Inspired by [My Beating Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/991568) by [Lownly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lownly/pseuds/Lownly). 



> Disclaimer: This is a continuation/alt ending to the Like a Drum fanfics by Lownly. I have snippets from their fic in here to help place where I put each scene. Anything I copied and pasted from that fic are in Bold and italics and are only there just to place each scene. If at any point I am contacted by Lownly to take this down, I will take it down. My art twitter DM’s are open @jessmic15 if you’d like to contact me. Here is a link to the original fic’s if you haven’t read them: https://archiveofourown.org/series/58450
> 
> That being said, I wrote this for myself years ago for closure and I never expected to publish this, but I have a few friends who have asked me to do so. So here it is!!! I wrote this for the sole purpose of making the last chapter be the ending I wanted, but I’m still writing this because it’s my comfort fic. I write this when I need a pick me up. I have so many ideas, but I am not sure on how often I will post. Comments and Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> This isn't a replacement to the last chapter of the fanfic, think of it more as extra scenes I added!  
> Make sure to check out Jean's POV!

**_I should have realized the second I fell for him that I’d have to watch him fall for someone else entirely while hiding behind a fake smile and an_ ** **‘I love you, but only platonically’** **_ruse. I should have known what I was getting into. But instead I was selfish and stupid and blind. Behind me, my family began to count down from 10._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Hey, Marco?” Jean pulled me out of my thoughts._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Yeah?”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Do you get the feeling that 2014 is gonna suck ass?”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me. “Yeah. I do.”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_The entire apartment complex rang out with shouts of ‘Happy New Year’ just as my family reached ‘one’. Off in the distance, fireworks zipped up and splashed across the black sky with stars of blue and pink and green and purple and red, and I could hear explosions and pops over on Jean’s end._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Happy New Year, Marco.”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“….Happy New Year, Jean.”_ **

*****

Jean didn't seem to want to leave, so I stayed on the phone. We talked for a bit while I hung out with my family until I decided my dad was too drunk to hang around anymore. I quickly retired to my guest bed, pulling my 3ds out.

We talked for hours about Pokemon and all my progress I had made. I had finally caught an Eevee, and a really strong Fletchling which were both amazing adds to my team. My Fennekin had evolved to Braixen, which was so cool. I was loving this game so damn much… but I was getting exhausted.

I yawned at the thought.

“You should go to bed,”

“But what if I don't want to?” I yawned again, this time stretching my arms out and gasping as I did so.

“...You need sleep,”

I rolled my eyes, saving my game before switching the 3DS off again. I closed it up and put it back on the dresser next to my bed. “You're probably right.”

“Of course I am,”

“Well,” my voice cracked a bit, but I attempted to hide it. Pain started to well inside my chest as he waited for me to speak. What do I say to him? It's not like anything would happen between us ever. He was fucking straight, and best of all: he had his own crush now to worry about. Not me… it would never be me. “Goodnight Jean,” I started to lower the phone

He quickly spoke. “Something on your mind?”

It was clear to me at that moment that I hadn't hidden my pain well. I sighed, raising the phone back to my ear. “I*It’s fine.”

“You sure? You really don’t sound fine.”

 _I'm not okay, Jean._ My hands clenched my aching body, hoping the pressure from my fists would soothe my broken insides. “Yes. I’ll be okay,”

“Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“Y—" _Yes, but it's not your fault…_ I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him my feelings, but my heart was too heavy to try. "No… uh.”

We were both silent for a bit. “You can tell me, man.”

I quietly pondered what it would be like watching him be with someone else. Holding hands with them… kissing him. I quickly wiped at my face feeling my eyes begin to water. “Well, I found out something today, and I keep thinking about it.” I sounded like I was choking, because honestly I kinda was. A lump was starting to build in my throat as I spoke.

“What did you find out,” Jean sounded spooked by my reactions. I was so bad at hiding anything from him.

I let out an exasperated sigh. “Y-you sure you wanna know?”

“God, yes Marco.”

The fact that he cared for me just made me even more into him. It was hopeless for me, I was so in love with him. “It’s just… I, uh—” I stuttered, trying to attempt to put words together. I want even sure what I wanted to tell him, I didn't want to reveal anything, but he was pushing me to open up… and I wanted to so badly. “You um… remember that guy I liked?” 

My heart ached longingly. _Liked_ . I thought. _Stop lying to yourself, you're hopelessly waiting for the day he goes gay. You're always gonna be hung over him._

“What happened? Are you okay?” Jean sounded tense. 

“Yeah." It was a lie. I was so bad at lying to him. "Jean please don’t worry, everything is fine,”

“This guy is making you depressed though," Jean was starting to get more and more angry sounding. I closed my eyes, burying my face into my empty hand. "What the fuck did he do to you?”

“It’s okay… I promise—”

“Marco, you’re not okay! This bitch hurt you, I’m gonna hunt them down,”

I believed him. Jean had the devotion of a mother bear. “Jean, he still doesn't know. He didn't hurt me, he didn't do anything wrong.”

“Then why are you sad?”

“Y—" _You love someone else. You're not straight. You will never love me._ My brain suggested things for me to continue my statement, but I didn't dare say anything about him. _I’m not trying to google what to say, brain_. I thought in annoyance. "...uh I… He… he likes someone else,”

There was a long pause, Jean seemed to calm down. “How do you know that?” his voice was low, kinda sad sounding.

“H-he told me…”

“Straight to your face? What the fuck.”

 _No… but pretty much._ I thought. I could feel tears starting to form. I was starting to accept the fact that he told me he loved someone else. “I… I think I should go to bed,”

Jean was silent once again, I couldn't but help but wonder what was on his mind. I muted him while he was in thought so I could breathe without bothering him. I didn't want to cry while I was on the phone with him, so I attempted to hold myself together.

“Are you sure you're gonna be okay?”

I managed to slow my breathing again and United my phone. “I'll be okay. This happens a lot,” 

“Look, forget that guy. He sucks ass. Anyone would be lucky to have you, I promise.”

“I…" I turned in bed, staring at the ceiling. "It was probably hopeless from the start. He never would have returned my affections,”

“Marco you listen to me right now,” His voice was stern, serious. It caught me off guard.

“A-Alright…” my voice squeaked which made me blush a bit.

“I want you to know that no one on this goddamn planet in their right mind would think you weren’t perfect in every single way." I blushed, hard. I had needed to hear him say these things so badly. It made my chest feel less constrained. "Shit… You’re an amazing person… and you deserve the whole fucking world.”

I wanted to cry again. He wasn't the best with words, but I didn't care. They meant so much to me. “Thank you.”

“Serious dude. I just want you to know that I uh… I love you—” my heart rate spiked and I shot out of bed, my mouth opened wide. I was about to say it back when he added: “—man.”

I slumped back into bed, sighing softly. _Better than nothing I guess._ “I love you too… dude,”

He sighed. “Get some sleep,”

“I will, I promise.” I lowered my phone again.

“Hey, you know the deal with nightmares goes both ways,” I raised the phone back up to my ear. “If you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, call me.”

“I will,” I threw my blanket around me and laid down on my pillow. “Goodnight Jean,”

“Goodnight Marco,”

I hung up and stared at my phone, a photo of Jean illuminating my screen for a few moments.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

My screen went black, his face fading from my memories as I played back the words in my head, as if I were wishing he had actually said that instead. 

I was hopeless.

*****

Marie jumped into my bed, pushing me around to wake me up. "Come on, stinky! Mom is gonna be here soon."

I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay in bed, wallowing there in self pity for the rest of my life. "Leave me alone, Marie!"

"Dad made breakfast! It's blueberry waffles and eggs and bacon! Dad said you have to wake up before we can start eating, so you need to get up!" She managed to wedge herself between the wall and my body and pushed me with her legs. Good lord was she strong, because she managed to shove me out of bed just with her legs alone. I fell to the floor, groaning loudly at impact.

"Marieeeee..." I moaned out.

"Marco, why are you so sad right now? Why are you acting like a sad blob,"

**_"Is there someone out there you’d like to kiss, then?"_ _  
_ _"………..Yeah."_**

I sighed, trying to shove the painful thoughts away. "I'm fine,"

"You're not acting fine,"

"When you're older you'll understand, but I got my heart broken. I'll be fine."

She tilted her head and squinted at me. "Go take a shower and talk to them again. Maybe they thought you smelled like a stinky older brother."

This was going nowhere. I struggled to get up, but I did and I walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Jean didn’t think I stunk… did he? I quickly sat down, taking a plate and filling it with waffles. I drenched them with butter and syrup then started eating quickly.

Marie ran into the kitchen, plopping herself next to me. “Hey! Who said you could start eating!” She screeched, grabbing my arms. I ignored her as I continued shoving sugary blueberry waffles down my throat. Marie quickly snatched a waffle on her plate covered in scrambled eggs and bacon. All her foods were in disarray. I paid no attention to her mess. 

My dad sat at the table looking over at the two of us. He gave me a look of concern. “You haven’t been drinking, have you? You look like you have a massive hangover.”

“I haven’t,” I sighed out between large bites. But I wish I was. A hangover would hurt less than what I was feeling right now.

My dad grabbed two waffles and glanced at me, his eyes full of concern. “Is it a girl?”

“Nope,” I said. I wasn’t lying, and I could have left it at that, but instead I interjected. “It’s a guy.”

His eyes widened, glancing at Marie with a raised eyebrow. “So this… ‘Person,’ What happened?”

I closed my eyes, shoving the last bite of waffle into my mouth. “I’m not doing this, Dad. If you want to talk about it, I’m not going to hide it like that.” I stood up, taking my plate and fork to the sink and quickly rinsed it off before going back to the guest bedroom.

“Marco…” I heard him call from behind the closed door. Maybe I was an asshole for not answering, but I didn’t want to talk about it with him like this. I laid down in my bed again and put my headphones in, turning my 3DS on and forgetting the world existed.

*****

I’ll admit it, I was starting to avoid Jean. Everytime we talked I only seemed to fall for him more, which in hand made my heart ache more. It was easier to deal with my heartache if I didn’t have to deal with him, so I tried not to. There were times he was begging me to get on skype, just to play Pokemon with him. I, painstakingly, agreed to it.

I tried to pay more attention to the game as we talked, it seemed to help. If I was near tall grass I just ran around in it for a while hoping I would catch a new pokemon with a better IV for breeding. I would relay all my pokemon information to Jean as I played, trying not to make eye contact, or think much about him. 

“Hey Marco…”

His voice was filled with a pain that shot through my heart like a bullet. I looked up into his eyes, which sent my heart flying for a moment. “Yeah, Jean?”

“I…”

He was silent, in thought. I could see his face starting to flush red. “Jean are you okay? You’re blushing.”

He looked away, but I could tell he was blushing more red as he did so. He covered his neck with a free hand. “I’m sorry I just…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you avoiding me?” 

He looked back at me with his gorgeous golden eyes, sparkling in a slight glimmer of light from his room. He started chewing his lip which made my heart race even faster. I blinked, my cheeks starting to feel hot. “I ah… uh… no.” Shit… I was too nervous, he had found me out. I attempted to avoid looking at the handsome man in front of me, sneaking a few glances here and there as I looked down at my 3DS.

“That was painful to watch,”

Fuck. “I’m not avoiding you, I promise.”

“Then what are you doing? Why haven’t you talked to me in a bit? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, no.” Yes… I thought. It wasn’t his fault, but shit was I hurting all because of him. “Please, I’m just having some personal problems.”

He frowned. “Is it about the guy you like?” 

I looked back up at the beautiful man on my computer screen, surprised at the fact that he was being so observant of me before looking down. It was so strange how someone I cared so deeply about was worried about my problems… Was thinking about me. I blushed at the thought. “Well… Yeah I… I guess,”

“You guess?”

“Look, Jean…” I closed my 3DS knowing full well where this was going. Jean wasn’t going to let it up, so I needed to let it out… maybe I could give it to him vaguely. I couldn’t talk to Jean about how I liked him but he didn’t like me back, it wasn’t something I could do with him.“It’s just really hard for me right now—”

“Marco, you don’t have to go through this alone. You can talk to me about it. Why avoid me if you’re sad about some guy who broke your heart? I’m supposed to be your best friend… I’m here to help you get through this.”

I felt like someone took a dagger and shoved it into my chest, twisting it slowly as I screamed. Yeah, he was my best friend. I was supposed to go to him with my problems. But instead, I decided to fuck up our friendship by falling in love with him. What the hell was wrong with me? “Jean, you’re amazing in every way and you help me with everything, but this isn’t something you can help me with.”

“You can bet your ass that I’ll try if you gave me the chance to,”

“How?”

“If I knew his name I could kick his ass for you,”

Heh… Telling Jean to kick his own ass. “Even if you could, I wouldn’t want you to.”

“Even after he broke your heart?” I looked deep into Jean’s eyes, pondering on the fact that he was so badly wanting to avenge my broken heart. It made me a bit happy to say the least, but did not make me feel any better all the same. My heart started to ache worse as I slowly nodded and Jean let out a large sigh. “Is there anything I could do to help? I don’t want you to feel broken…”

I didn’t want to feel broken either. There was one cure that I knew of: Jean loving me. Was I going to get that? No. Jean would never love me the way I loved him… He was straight. He liked girls. He wanted to kiss a girl, right now. What if he was thinking of that girl while we were talking? I could feel tears forming from my eyes. Angry with myself I quickly wiped them away, hoping he wouldn’t see my sudden weakness. I was crying over a stupid boy for christ sakes. 

“Well could you could make a guy, who has no interest in me, start loving me?”

He just stared at me. “What?”

I couldn’t control the tears at that point. They were flowing from my face. I quickly set my laptop next to me for a moment to grab a box of tissues. “Shit. I’m a mess… I’m sorry, I should go”

“Stop! Don’t leave me when you’re like this,” I put my laptop back onto my lap, wiping away my snot with multiple tissues. I needed to stop crying, fast. I couldn’t force him to watch me cry over a man I liked… To watch me cry over him. 

“I can’t stand seeing you hurt, it hurts me.”

I sniffled, but looked into his big stricken eyes. They were filled with worry, and pain. I felt so bad for still staying, but his presence though it hurt, made my soul sing. “Why would it hurt you—”

“Marco you’re my best friend.” He seemed like he was struggling to speak, maybe because the fact that I was crying made him uncomfortable? I would be uncomfortable if I watched a grown man cry too, so I’m sure it was that. “When you’re hurt like this, it makes me feel sad too… Because I—...Care about your happiness and well being.”

“I’m sorry…” Truly, I was. 

Jean sighed and I watched him from the corner of my eye as he rested his face in one of his hands, closing his eyes with a slight annoyance in his voice. “Would talking about him help? Tell me more about him,”

You know everything about him you dumbass… I thought to myself. I wanted to talk about him, but why would I talk to him about him? It seemed a bit odd… plus I shouldn’t do it. Clearly it would give it away to him. “I don’t know if I should tell you,”

“Why not? Maybe it’ll help if you talk about him.”

He’s going to bother you about it for the end of time… I thought. I let out a large sigh. “Okay…” Jean seemed to perk up with a slight brightness at that moment. It was like reading a story book to a class of kindergarteners. His sudden happiness made my pain subside for a moment. “I... I met him in class.”

“Yeah? What class?”

I laughed, my voice was scratchy with the lump in my throat. “I can’t tell you that, then you’ll know exactly who it is. We didn’t really talk at first, but I noticed him in the first week of class. I… kind of watched him,”

He seemed bewildered at my response. “Really?”

“Yeah…” _Well that’s embarrassing…_ I thought. _Hopefully he never finds out it’s him._ “Jean, you’re straight, right? What would you do if some guy was ogling at you?”

Jean jumped, I was surprised at his response, it kind of scared me a bit. Was Jean really homophobic? Did I trigger him… “I— I… y— ah.. um…” _I broke him_. I thought to myself. Jean was blushing hard when he finally spoke again. “I don’t know…. Maybe I’d like it?”

Once again, Jean had caught me off guard with a response I never could have guessed he would answer. My brain was overloaded with the fact that maybe, _MAYBE…_ if I hit on Jean he would potentially like it? What in the hell was going on… I stared at his covered face and deadpanned. “Why?”

Jean who was still covering his face with his hands just shrugged. He fucking _shrugged_. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I stared him down and watched as he peeked to see if I was looking at him every so often, but kept his face covered. “Look I don’t wanna talk about it right now, It’s kind of complicated…”

Complicated… Why was it complicated? Why wouldn’t he tell me? “Oh.”

Jean curled up into a ball, his legs tucking into his body on his spinning chair. “Look, I’ll tell you someday I just… I don’t want to do it over a call. There’s too much for us to talk about, it would be better in person,”

I brushed my face over with another tissue, my tears long gone. I wanted to know why it was complicated. “Do you wanna do it when we see each other again?”

There was silence between us, Jean was still curled up on his chair. I could feel my chest aching know what he meant. I saw him raise his head for a moment only to nod.

I felt my lips curl into a smile. “Then I guess it's a date,”

It was maybe the wrong words to say because both of us just awkwardly sat there in silence, staring at the other for a bit. I looked away after a while, staring at my 3DS Jean got me. I patiently waited for his voice to sound once again, which finally it did. “Hey Marco?”

“Y-yeah?” My heart fluttered as I looked back up at him.

“Is the offer still up…”

“The offer…?”

“Y'know… to be your roommate?”

A big smile formed on my face as I remembered my offer to him a while ago. “Of course. So have you decided?”

“No I…” Jean paused to play with his hair, It was really cute. “I need to talk to you about that first thing. It'll help me decide.”

I nodded. “Next time we see each other, we can talk about everything, alright?”

“Alright,”

“Enough depressing and serious shit. Let's talk about Pokemon,”

He grinned at me and nodded, and I talked about my game for hours. I couldn’t believe he stayed to listen for so long. It made me wonder how much more I could fall for him.

*****

My phone buzzed a million times that night, waking me up with just the vibration. Moaning, I grabbed my phone to read the texts. 

**From Ymir:**

**Hey everyone, it's the new year! Krista and I wanna kick it off with our closest friends at our house, come get plastered and play games with us.**

_A party, huh?_ I thought. I felt bad because when I saw the word ‘Plastered’ I thought of Jean drunk… I thought of Jean being so damn drunk that he wanted to kiss me. I felt myself blushing hard at the thought. I wanted to kiss Jean so bad… maybe this would be my only chance. I quickly read through the others.

**From Reiner:**

**Sounds like fun. Time?**

**From Sasha:**

**You ordering pizza again?**

**From Eren:**

**Hell ye**

**From Connie:**

**Ymir tf it 4am y u do dis**

**From Ymir:**

**I wake up early to go to the gym. If you wanted to sleep, you could have put your phone on silent! Anyways, just be here by sunset on friday.**

**From Reiner:**

**We'll both be there**

I texted Jean. He had to have been awake at this hour, and if not he was woken up by the millions of messages. 

**To Jean:**

**You get the giant ass group text?**

I honestly was surprised at the quick reply from him. 

**From Jean:**

**yea it woke me up**

**To Jean:**

**Same… but it sounds fun! You wanna go?**

**From Jean:**

**I mean were like a package deal lmao yea that would be fun**

I blushed more, but quickly wrote out a response to the group chat.

**From Marco:**

**Jean and I will come together!**

Immediate responses from the others made me regret my word choice. 

**From Connie:**

**You and Jean? You coming together? Hehe…**

**From Eren:**

**Ohhhh shit!**

I could feel myself panic, Why the hell would they be doing this, they all knew that I hadn’t told him anything. I started typing something out but Jean replied before I could answer them. 

**From Jean:**

**guys shut the fuck up its not like that**

I quickly typed out an apology, hoping it would suffice for the embarrassment that came with it.

**To Jean:**

**Fuck, Jean I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way.**

**From Jean:**

**Dont appologize its not ur fault connie and eren are bitches we ARE going together its ok just get some sleep again**

I could feel my phone buzzing continuously but I didn’t want to deal with the mistake I had made… I would read the rest of the messages later. I put my phone on silent and laid down, falling back asleep once again.

*****

**_Jean and I continued to text and call each other every day after that, and I did my best to plow through my depressive mood and act normal for him. It didn’t fool him, though, and he would frequently ask me what was wrong and if I was okay. The Sunday after New Year’s, was joking around and asked me if I just missed him that much. When I said, “Maybe a little,” we started saying ‘I miss you’ and ‘I miss you too’s after our goodnight texts._ **

**_Best friends frequently told one another that they missed each other, right?_ **

**_On Monday, January 6th, I sent Jean a cryptic text message._ **

**_To: Jean_ **

**_5_ **

**_From: Jean_ **

**_?_ **

**_To: Jean_ **

**_:)_ **

**_From: Jean_ **

**_ur not even going to try and explain?_ **

**_To: Jean_ **

**_Nope!_ **

**_..._ **

*****

I climbed off of Jean after everyone had given us catcalls and whistles. Shooting everyone a glance of annoyance I thought at how much of a miracle it was that Jean was so thick headed. If not, he would have known for sure how much I liked him. Thank my lucky stars, I guess… Jean helped me take my stuff back to my dorm and we quickly went back outside to Armin's car. 

He had offered us a ride to Ymir's because he wasn't comfortable drinking anymore. I understood why… After getting blackout drunk that one night, I was terrified of even drinking too much.

We crawled into the back seat and I scooted over to give Jean some space in the middle seat. He scooted closer to me which made me blush a bit.

“I really fucking missed you.” he said, fastening his seat belt.

“I missed you too,” I said weakly as I buckled myself in as well. He shouldn't have been squished against me, it only made me feel a bit guilty for wanting him to do it more… I looked up at him and made immediate eye contact, so I quickly smiled.

“You okay?”

“Yeah!! Sorry,” I scrambled to find a valid excuse to hide my sadness. “I just miss my family. We had a great time together.”

“They seem really cool,” his mouth widened into a smile, showing off some straight glistening teeth. _He's probably as straight as his teeth are._ I thought. “Wish I had a cool family like you,”

I pulled out my cell phone and started scrolling through Facebook. “Anita seemed pretty cool. She treats you like you’re her own kid.”

He shrugged. “Honestly? It’s easier to say that I am,”

I sighed and continued my scroll, trying not to look at him. I could feel his eyes on me, it scared me a bit, made me a little nervous, but I tried to ignore it, hoping he would finally look away. Which he did in the form of stripping his hoodie.

He laid it in his lap and hugged it to his body, muttering something to himself 

“What?” I looked over to him, wondering if he meant to say something to me.

“Nothing,”

Maybe carpooling was a bad idea… Reiner and Berthold were first, climbing into the van and giving each of us looks. I shook my head at them, beginning to blush. I didn’t have the guts to do it yet, alright? Dear god this night was gonna be hell, why did I do this to myself? Eren and Mikasa climbed in next and I watched Eren slide in next to Jean, wiggling his eyebrows. I blushed a dark red and looked away as I heard Jean get agitated and quickly shove him away. 

As soon as we parked, I quickly vacated the vehicle, Jean following close behind me as we did so. Everyone stared at us, it made me uncomfortable, and clearly it was making Jean feel uneasy as well. “I need a drink. Now.”

“Are you alright?” I grabbed his arm, trying to turn him around to look at me but he ripped it from my hands, walking towards the door. 

“Never fucking better.”

I tried to run after him, but he quickly filtered in before the group from our van. I was stuck behind everyone getting in. I snaked myself between the people until I finally met up with Jean again who was quickly downing one bottle of beer already. My heart raced as I quickly snatched the bottle from him, but it was empty before I could take it away. 

I could feel my chest tighten. "Dude… we have all night, what's the rush?"

"I'm just stressed, I wanna feel drunk."

_“Careful Marco, Jean tends to kiss a lot when he’s drunk.”_

Almost distressed at this point as he cracked the second beer open, I attempted to slow him down a second time but was interrupted by Ymir, who apparently caught Jean’s attention as well. _Thank God_. "Everyone come in here, were gonna play a game,"

Jean didn’t seem very eager, but when he saw me head towards Ymir and the others, he quickly followed after me like a lost puppy. I sat down at the loveseat which for some reason was left empty. I wonder why. I thought sarcastically as I eyed Reiner and Berthold sitting on the floor next to it. Jean and I sat down together and I watched the crowd give us both looks. Somehow, Jean had 3 new bottles in his hand which he quickly set on the table in front of us. I think he was starting to get buzzed because he seemed to pay no heed to the eyes on us.

Ymir and Krista appeared in the middle of the room, smiling at each of us individually before beginning to speak. “So have any of you played Truth or Dare?” Ymir asked.

Everyone cheered, except for Jean and I. This had to be just another plan to get us together, but little did they know, Jean wasn’t interested. I buried my face into my hands, Jean nudged me with a bottle which I gladly accepted and quickly swigged. 

“We’re gonna be playing that, but we’re going to add a twist.” She snatched an empty bottle from the table in the middle and held it all for everyone to see. “We’re gonna spin this bottle and whoever you land on has to choose a truth or dare.” She smiled at me and Jean before continuing. “If you cannot do what you’re asked to do, you have to take a shot of vodka. Understand?”

Everyone excitedly burst into chatter, but I only sank into the couch, hoping that if I went in farther it would just envelop me and take me away from this place. Jean was already starting to get drunk so I quickly snatched the rest of his bottle, drinking the contents before he could get it into his system. He whined softly, reaching for his drink but it was long gone.

“Marcoooo…”

“You have two other bottles...” I sighed.

Ymir grinned. “Since this is my party, I will spin first.”

She set the bottle on the table and quickly spun it, the crowd going wild as she did so. I felt a little sick, maybe from the sudden intake of alcohol… or maybe because I had gotten myself into this. Jean leaned on me, resting his head on my shoulder as everyone was excitedly watching it spin.

It landed on Eren.

He clapped his hands together as Ymir looked into his eyes. “Dare,”

“I dare you to kiss Armin,” Ymir said without hesitation, a smile creeping on her face.

Armin turned beet red, his eyes darting to everyone in the room as if they would help him out of the situation, but wouldn’t. Eren had a similar look, but raised his eyebrow as if to ask him if it was okay.

Without speaking, Eren put his hand on Armin’s red cheeks and pulled him into a short kiss. Cell Phones came out immediately taking photos of the act and Eren fired up, yelling choice words at everyone before we moved on to the next person. Armin sat on the couch alone, looking at the floor with permanently red cheeks as Jager spun the bottle.

It landed on Jean.

My heart fluttered with anxiety as I quickly began to play with my hair. Eren looked at Jean with a terrifying grin, waiting for his response.

Jean was angry looking, his face twisting as he spoke. “Truth,”

Eren seemed a bit disappointed in his answer, but quickly let it go. He spent a moment in thought to figure out what to ask. “Would you fuck anyone in this room? If yes, who?”

The room was filled with happy noise as Jean was silently looking to the floor, horror glazing his face. “Gimme a shot.”

My heart raced as I eyed the whole room. What if the person he liked was in this room… there weren't many girls to choose from. Annie was a wild card, but she was a beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Straight guys liked that shit. There was also Mikasa. God I was convinced it was her. He liked her at one point. Jean had kissed her once… or at least he tried to. Maybe he wanted to try again.

I thought of Jean under a starry night sky. People counting down at new years, hand in hand with Mikasa. They leaned in...

Ymir interrupted my nightmare, smiling evilly at Jean. “Technically that was two questions. Wanna take two shots?”

He shrugged and took the two glasses that she offered him. 

I felt my heart lurch as I looked around the room, my eyes meeting with Mikasa as I watched Jean from the corner of my eye take one of the shots. He made a crazy face, but set the glass down empty on the table. Everyone hollered at him, giving him cat calls as he scowled into the crowd. He quickly after shot the last glass down his throat and swallowed it, coughing as he did so.

He groggily spun the bottle which only spun about two times before landing on Reiner. 

"Truth,"

Jean sat there for a moment in deep thought, the alcohol seeming to get to him the longer he sat there. "Tell us in vivid detail, about the first time you had sex with Berthold," His voice was slurred.

Berthold's eyes widened and a deep red blanketed his face and he grabbed his shoulder, shaking his head profusely. Reiner seemed about the same, blushing a bit. He raised his hand up to Ymir who happily gave him a shot. He quickly shotgunned the small glass before flipping it upside down on the table, then spun the bottle.

With every spin my heart only seemed to beat harder and faster, panic setting in until it slowly passed both me and Jean over, hitting Sasha.

“Dare,”

“I dare you to suck Connie’s feet.”

Sasha’s face twisted in a disgusted look, but she quickly slid to the floor and snatched Connie’s leg. With his exasperated squeals, she quickly shoved his foot in her mouth. Everyone groaned, looking away as quickly as possible. Though cringy and gross, the group seemed to be enjoying themselves.

And the bottle was spun once again, and my fear skyrocketed. 

Jean giggled a little, his body starting to lean more into me. Drunk Jean seemed to get cuddly and silly and honest to god, I thought it was really cute. His hand touched my leg, drunkenly sliding towards my crotch. I quickly grabbed his hand and held it in mine, my body filling with anxiety. The bottle landed on Jean again, and everyone looked to him, seeing our hands together.

I quickly let go again as Jean slurred out. "My turn again? Shit… let's do a fucking dare,"

The room seemed to explode, everyone pushing at Sasha, cheering and hollering. I think someone was clapping their hands. It was at this moment that I knew for a fact that they had rehearsed this. They all knew what needed to be said. They were just waiting for either of us to say 'Dare,'.

"I dare you," She started, a wide smile forming on her face. "To sit in Marco's lap and kiss him for 30 seconds,"

Jean and I took a moment to stare at the crowd, watching everyone scream with excitement. My heart was going a million miles an hour.

“Can I take a shot?” I asked quietly. Everyone laughed as the group began to forcefully push him onto me. Though he was definitely being picked up and thrusted onto my lap, it was almost as if he wasn’t resisting at all. They hadn’t given him a moment to choose whether or not he wanted a shot or not, but it didn’t seem like he was going to.

For a moment, while Jean was settling into my lap, I felt a bliss that I had never felt in my whole life. The feeling of his body straddling mine made my stress melt, my muscles untensed, and automatically I wrapped my arms around him. Though everything was so forced, I felt so comfortable with him on me, and I honestly could have stayed that way for the rest of the night if no one stopped us… no one would honestly.

The circle around us was making loads of noise, but since we were so close together now, I spoke in a slight hushed tone. “Are you sure?” I whispered to Jean, my voice sounding a bit broken.

He couldn’t make eye contact with me, but quickly nodded at my question. “If I take too many shots I might get a bit fucked up. Do you mind?”

“No, it’s okay. I wouldn’t mind kissing you.” I managed to choke out, squeaking as I did so.

I looked up into Jean’s rosy face. If he was drunk, he could have fooled me to think otherwise. He seemed only buzzed, maybe a little tipsy but not at all drunk.

_“Careful Marco, Jean tends to kiss a lot when he’s drunk.”_

_Let’s fucking hope he does._ I thought. This was the one and only time I would be able to kiss him, I’d better savor it. It better be the best one I’ll ever have. We ignored the noise as he softly caressed my cheek with his hands, blushing even more as he did so. He started to lean in.

_Oh God…_

He quickly darted into my shoulder, and everyone screeched with anger. “C’mon asshole! You gotta do the dare, no turning back,”

“I could still always do a shot,”

“Nah, your time to do one is over, you should have chosen to do that a whole minute ago,”

“Fine! Fine…” My chest ached at his pain and I felt so bad for him. This whole time he was sitting on top of me I was relishing the moment of his closeness. I was excited to kiss him and yet, I bet he didn’t even want this… I bet the whole damn world that there was nothing he would want to do less than kiss me. I felt like a damn monster, why did I let our friends do this to us?

“Jean… if you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” I tried.

“No…” He darted his eyes, looking back into mine once again. He leaned in to my ear, whispering into it. “I… I want to.”

A new feeling entered my body. Shit, I had been turned on before, but Jean breathing words into my ear just did it for me clearly. I shifted myself underneath him, trying to attempt hiding my hard on from him, but honestly it was useless. It was my turn to be shy.

“You guys gotta kiss for at least 30 seconds… You should start sometime soon.”

Jean growled and once again placed his hand on my heated cheek once again. “This isn’t how I wanted our first kiss to happen…” He muttered. 

I wanted to say something after what he had uttered, but I didn’t. Instead, with parted lips, I met halfway with Jean kissing him softly at first. My arms wrapped around him once again, pulling him closer to me. I didn’t care about my boner, I didn’t care about the noise, I didn’t care about the other people right now. All I wanted to care about was the feeling of Jean on me. 

Jean seemed to melt into me, his body reacting with the same pleasure that I was feeling for him… or at least I thought so. He didn’t seem like he was ready to pull away at any time, and neither was I. My hands snaked up his back and I could feel him shudder, a soft breath gasping onto my lips between our kisses.

After a few seconds we started getting more comfortable, and our hormones were starting to kick in. Jean nipped my lip, pulling me in closer to his kiss and it drove me insane. I whimpered under him, diving in again once he let my lip go to hungrily partake of his lips once again. Jean started softly rocking in my lap which in turn only drove me more crazy. In mid kiss he tested his tongue out, licking at the base of my mouth. My tongue greeted his and my arms tightened around him, pulling him even closer once again. His hands were going wild after that, touching and exploring me. His legs only seemed to straddle me harder, getting closer and closer with each second of our kiss.

Was this a dream? Jean couldn’t have been drunk, this was all too blissful. 

He parted our lips quickly which made me squeak, my heart longing for him to come back, but he immediately dove back in again to kiss my neck. I arched my head back as he kissed my jawline where it met with my neck and slowly trailed down to my collar bone. I gasped loudly and dug my fingers into his hair, clenching tightly.

I heard the shutter of someone’s phone camera and my eyes flew open. Everyone was staring, and taking pictures… Everyone was getting photographic evidence that Jean, who in fact was drunk, was kissing me everywhere in a very gay seeming way. What if Jean didn’t want anyone else to know? What if his parents saw photos…

I quickly pushed him off of me and stood up in front of the group. “Stop taking pictures of us! You have to delete all of them! Now!” I shrieked before running out of the room. I knew I had caused a scene, but it was the only way I could protect Jean. Plus, though he was willing to do it at the time, he was dared to do it.

...But now Jean probably thought I didn’t want to kiss him at all. With the off chance of him actually liking me, I probably ruined it. I quickly darted out the front door, slamming it behind me as the cool air hit my face. I ran outside and away from everyone.

“Marco, wait—” I turned my head to see the door open and out walked a staggering Jean, chasing me with all will. “I’m sorry… I should have just taken a shot.” I stopped dead in my tracks and turned back around, looking into the empty street. It took him a few seconds to get to me, but he managed to after a little bit. “I made them delete the photos, no one will see them. Don’t worry—”

“Jean, I’m so sorry…” I felt my voice crack once again and I quickly swallowed. “I didn’t leave because of the pictures. I…” my throat was tightening, making my words sound hushed and weak. “I left because I wanted to protect you. You’re drunk, you’re not cognitive. You’re making decisions you’re gonna regret…”

He was silent. The cold air blew specks of ice onto our faces. I squinted into it, deciding that we should at least sit on the porch. I wasn’t ready to go inside. I took his arm and started to tow him back as he spoke. “So you didn’t hate it?"

I didn’t want to answer, but he was drunk and I was sure he wasn’t gonna stop drinking for the rest of the night. Maybe he wouldn’t remember… And if he did, I could say I was drunk. I sat him down onto a bench next to the front door and sat him next to me, sighing loudly. “I loved kissing you. It was the best feeling I’ve felt in a long time. Hell, maybe even in my whole life.”

Jean placed his hand on my shoulder and turned me to face him, and my eyes met with his deep serious eyes. He once again didn’t seem drunk at all, and it kind of scared me a bit, but I paid no mind to it. “Can I tell ya a secret?”

I gave him a look of uncertainty and nodded.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long ass time,”

I wasn’t sure if I could trust anything he said while he was drunk, but I felt like I was flying. I had wanted to kiss him for a long time. I thought about it almost every single day, every time I saw him, heard his voice, anything… I had thought about different scenarios where we kissed. But for some damn reason, this whole time he had wanted to kiss me too… “Why?” I muttered softly.

“Well I think you’re cute.” He was starting to slur. "I've thought about kissing you a lot of times. I reeeeeally wanted to try it… I really liked it." I felt myself beginning to blush and I was glad that Jean was so intoxicated. "Marco, you're a really good kisser!"

"Is that so…" I closed my eyes, embarrassed at all the gushing. 

"Yeah! I was pretty sad it ended so quickly, I was enjoying myself."

I could feel myself trembling, not because of the cold but because I was holding back the urge to kiss him again. Good god was it so hard to not do such a thing that had been so easy to not to do before that night. It was too hard for me to bear…

I felt Jean lean in, his hands beginning to caress my neck and collarbone, a dull ache in my chest beginning to explode as I felt his lips on my neck again. "I love your freckles," he muttered onto my skin, sending waves of pleasure down my whole body.

I didn't stop him from climbing back onto me. I didn't stop him from biting at my neck. I didn't stop him when he started to rock in my arms against my body. I was so weak for him, my body only wanted to comply to his wishes and needs. I melted into him, pulling him closer into me, in which he wrapped his legs around my waist. His hands tangled into my hair again and he pressed his body closer to mine as we kissed once again.

Jean was a firework show lighting up my whole world. It was snowing outside and it felt like the 4th of July.

He traced my neck and jawline with sweet kisses, making me let out a soft moan. "Jean…"

"Fuck…" my heart rate spiked as I felt his lower regions quickly hardening at my noises. It didn't seem to stop him regardless of my pure embarrassment, and he leaned in to kiss me on the lips once again. "Marco..?" He said between breaths and kisses.

His voice was weak and breathy, but I could tell it was a form of a question. "Yeah?" I managed to get out before diving in again. He squeezed me so tight I sighed into his open mouth. He took the opportunity to bite my bottom lip before pulling away for a moment.

He was waving around, his eyes meeting mine. "Ymir has a spare bedroom upstairs.."

I blinked, my whole body exploding right then with mixed emotions. "Jean… we need to stop—"

"Did you hate it? Am I pushing myself onto you too much?"

"No!" I pulled him close into a big hug, which he slowly relaxed into. "You have no idea how much I want you, but…" I felt my throat tense, my voice became strained as I spoke. "I can't do this to you when you're so drunk… What if you—"

"Marco, I have feelings for you."

I froze. My heart seemed to stop right there. I felt my mouth gape opening hope of having something else to say, but I was too shocked to speak. "Jean…" I managed to get out finally, my voice shaking as it did so. "Aren't you going to say 'No Homo'?" What kind of response was that? I looked into his eyes and saw the hurt from my words.

"No."

At this moment in time, I was a statue. I was frozen solid from what he revealed to me, sure he was drunk but he was so hellbent on letting me know. I was scared. I didn't want to tell him like this… but I couldn't hold back. "I have feelings for you too."

Jean's wide eyes met mine and then something unexpected happened. He started bawling. "Why are you crying… I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? Did I make you angry?"

"No…" he clutched the front of my shirt and buried his face into my neck. I closed my eyes as I held him, his body against mine making me feel calm and at ease.

"Shhhhh… Everything's gonna be okay."

"I thought you loved someone else..." My heart lurched and I immediately crushed him in a bigger hug, holding him closer to me. I never wanted to let him go.

"I've loved you for so long." I rocked him as we hugged, swaying back and forth to try and calm him. "My heart belongs to you. Only you. It always has, it always will… and God do I hope that you reciprocate my feelings when you aren't drunk. I…" I clutched him tighter, my face burying into his chest. "I couldn't handle it if I had to see you with anyone else. I need you."

"I need you too,"

We held each other for about an hour. The cold didn't bother me, and neither did my legs falling asleep after a while. I just held him, hoping I would never have to let go.

*****

After about an hour we went back inside and drank some more. I got pretty drunk, so I don't really remember what happened, but I remembered at the end of the night piling into Armins van and holding Jean in my arms. One could argue I had one of the best nights of my life that night. I got to kiss Jean, twice!

We had stopped at my dorm first and automatically, Jean exited the vehicle with me and stumbled with me into the dorms. He didn’t make it inside before I watched him lurch to the side and hurl the contents of his stomach into the snow, getting a bit of vomit on his clothing in the process. I chuckled remembering how he had to watch me vomit when I got drunk for the first time. I had him lean onto me grabbing my hand and arm to support himself and I attempted to help him as we headed to the elevator.

Though both drunk as hell, we managed to get home. I had him strip down for me so that he could discard his soiled clothing. I stripped my pants off before jumping into bed, Jean crawling in next to me, spooning me as we both quickly fell asleep.


	2. I Love You

_ “Marco, I have feelings for you,” _ My dreams ended with my eyes suddenly fluttering open. 

I woke up before Jean, my head was pounding a bit. I was surprised, I suspected such a bigger headache in the morning, but somehow I survived. I began to rise up, grabbing my phone and removing myself from Jean’s arms… who started to whine softly. He quickly snatched me back up and pulled me back down, and I didn’t fight it. I turned to face him, which he didn’t like until I pulled him closer, resting his head under my arm and in my chest. Once we were both settled again, he slept once again.

I closed my eyes once again relishing the contact of Jean’s body on mine. God I wished this could be forever. I wished I could call this man mine.  _ Man, I wish I could kiss him again.  _ I thought as I rose my free hand to his head, caressing his blonde hair. He stirred a bit in my arms which made me flinch back, but he only seemed to scoot closer to me.

“Marco…” He muttered into my chest.

God I loved him so much! I couldn’t help but smile as I raised my hands to his face once again, brushing his shaggy bed head out of his eyes. I could only imagine when the last time he slept this long was. I checked my phone. It was 10:34 in the morning. He’d been asleep for eight full hours at least. He needed more sleep though. I needed to let him rest.

As I held him closer to me, all I could think about was what he had told me the night before. About how he loved me… and how he needed me. I couldn’t help myself, I wished over and over that maybe, just maybe it was true. I wanted to be his. I wanted to hold him every night and kiss him goodnight… and good morning… and just because. Look, I just wanted to kiss him for as long as he lived. 

Jean was restless now, but still in a deep sleep. He threw his leg over me which made me blush.  _ Good thing he’s at least wearing boxers… wait.  _ I could feel his bare skin on my legs, which made my skin go cold.  _ Oh, god. Did he sleep naked with me last night?! How did I not notice?! _

I wanted to lift the blanket and look at him, but fuck I couldn’t do that to him. If I did, it would probably be the one and only chance of me seeing him naked, but why would I do that to him? But I wanted to see him so bad… I looked down at his sleeping face and debated if he was actually asleep enough to even try. He was dead asleep. 

_ I could do it. _ I thought.  _ I shouldn’t do it… But I could.  _ I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut.  _ I have to do it. _ I crawled out of Jean’s arm’s and listened to his angry protests, but the moment I walked a few steps away, he was already asleep again. I slowly sat on the floor, scooting myself closer to the edge of the bed and stared at his face with fearful eyes. 

My heart pounded. What if he woke up while I was looking? He would think I was a gay pervert. What was I supposed to say if he woke up? ‘Haha… no homo.’ wasn’t gonna do. I buried my face into my hands, breathing quickly in panic as I softly assured myself.  _ He won’t wake up. He won’t wake up. He won’t wake up. He got blackout drunk last night, he isn’t gonna be up for another few hours.  _ I thought. I looked up again, reaching for the blanket and glancing at Jean as he slept.  _ God, I’m a bad person. _

I slowly lifted the blanket up, watching his face as I did so. I prayed he wouldn’t wake up and see me. Then, I breathed in as I slowly let my eyes wander down to his shoulders, to his chest, to his lightly trimmed stomach, to his chiseled bare hips, finally down to his—

I quickly covered him up again ducking down, my face most definitely scarlett. I had only caught a glimpse of him, but the image was burned into my brain. I couldn't forget this for a million years. I peeked over my shoulder once again and saw that he had shifted, his back was now to me.  _ God, I hope he didn't see that… _ I thought.

I quickly stood up, my head once again beginning to pound as I grabbed a towel and the basket of laundry with his clothing in it. The only clothing inside were mine and his from the night before, but there was no way I would be able to survive with Jean with nothing but a blanket to cover him. So, with the basket grasped tightly in one of my hands, I texted Jean as I quickly rushed to the laundry room.

**To Jean:**

**Hey, if you wake up this morning and I'm not here it's because I decided to do Laundry and shower. I took your clothes too, you vomited on them. I'll be back soon.**

Luckily for me, nobody was really out and about that morning. I was alone in the halls and when I went to the laundry room. I quickly picked a washer and thrusted the clothes inside, then dumped a little too much fabric softener and soap into the dispenser. I slammed the washer and jammed some buttons to make it start before rushing out.

I could still feel my face flushed red with embarrassment as I walked out. I was so ashamed of myself. How could I compromise Jean like this? I mean, he didn't know and I wouldn't tell him… would I? I opened the door to one of the showers and closed it behind me, locking it tightly before turning around and switching the water on.

I tried to think about anything else, but it seemed like I was frozen on the thought of seeing Jean's dick from the corner of my eye.  _ Why did I look… Why did I do this. Now for the rest of my life I'm gonna be thinking about my best friend’s dick. Thanks a lot, horny part of my brain. _

_ Don't mention it. _ My brain replied.

I rolled my eyes and let my thoughts wander further down into the horny void of my brain.

I managed to get my thoughts to wander to something else, but unfortunately that ‘Something else,’ was the incident of the night before. Jean, climbing into my lap, his legs straddling my body as he pulled me close. His eyes burning into mine, his hands gently caressing my cheek. Then, my heart leapt as he dove his face into mine and laced his lips onto mine. My needy hands grasped his body tightly as I had kissed him. It was at that moment that I didn’t care about anything. I was experiencing a once in a lifetime opportunity that would never be offered to me again.

I heard my phone ding loudly and I jumped, almost slipping in the shower. Was it Jean? I shuffled out of the shower and dried my hands before reaching for my phone.

**From Jean:**

**hey… srry about my clothes. i feel shitty how do u feel?**

_ The poor thing… _ I thought. I smiled at his text, almost blushing a bit. I didn’t think he would wake up so quickly. He was probably hungry after a shitty night and probably needed some food to make him feel better. 

**To Jean:**

**Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. I feel like shit too, but I’m positive you feel worse. I was going to order pizza and coffee for breakfast, does that sound cool?**

I set my phone down and hopped back inside. I acted like I would be productive in the few seconds it took for him to text me back, then dove out when I heard it sound again.

**From Jean:**

**fuck yea that sounds good. ur saving my life i could fuckin kiss u rn**

Oh my heart flew. I was a wreck after that text. I typed so many things and immediately erased them, knowing that he probably had no recollection of the night before. But I couldn't let him find out what happened over text. I let out a long sigh and decided to go for something a bit less thirst driven.

**To Jean:**

**Okay, I'll see you in a bit. I'm taking a shower now. If you want to come down, you can take one after me.**

Was saying he could take a shower after me gay? Was that okay to send to him? I pondered these things as I pressed the send button, it was too late to edit it at that point. 

**From Jean:**

**i prbly should if i puked. Do u remember what happened last night?**

I blushed hard, thoughts of the night before once again blurring my vision. Jean going wild on top of me… I thought about just setting my phone down at that moment and waiting to tell him after I got out of the shower in person, but I couldn’t help telling him that I had information he probably didn’t have. My thoughts were racing as I typed in the text.

**From Marco:**

**Yeah…**

My heart leaped for a moment as I wrote the next words. I couldn’t help my curiosity.

**From Marco:**

**Do you?**

For some reason, asking this made me feel sick. I was terrified. What if by some chance he remembered our kiss… what if he knew what all went down the night before. 

_ I have feelings for you. _ Booming over and over inside my skull, driving me mad. I threw my phone onto my towel once again and continued showering, hoping that he wouldn’t text back… but he did. Almost immediately. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the shower again just to look at his text, so I suffered as I washed myself off. 

This time, to cope with not answering him, I caved in and let my thoughts wander.

_ What would have happened if I let Jean take me upstairs to Ymir’s spare bedroom… _ I thought, imagining his arms holding me down on the spare bed, his cute drunk face grinning with excitement as his eyes locked with mine.

_ “Marco,” He slurred out, his arms releasing mine to take hold of my legs. We weren’t naked, but it was getting to the point where I would be animalistically ripping his clothes off soon. I cried out a little when he pressed his body against mine, softly slotting himself into my legs and once again towering over me. “I’ve wanted you for so long,” _

_ “Jean...” He didn’t know how much this turned me on, I was too scared to even tell him. I could feel myself getting emotional. This was the moment I had been longing for… What I’ve wanted to hear for so long. For the feelings I felt were impossible to reciprocate to not feel vile anymore. I wanted him to kiss me again… everywhere. I wanted him to hold me down and feel every square inch of my body. I wanted to tell him this, but all I could muster out was a soft choked sound, which I uttered the word, “Please.” _

_ His lips curled up in an excited way, his body pressing harder onto mine. I blushed as his face came closer, his lips once again on mine. My arms wrapped around his body, pulling him the rest of the way down, crushing him on top of me. His weight on me felt so good, I almost couldn’t contain my excitement. _

“Marco…” Jean said. It was so real it scared me right out of my fantasy.

“Jean?” I called, but there was no answer, only the sound of another shower running. Confused, I shut my water off and walked out, wrapping the towel around me to dry off. I listened as I threw the towel over my head and rubbed my wet hair in it. Nothing. Not another peep from him.. “Jean?” I once again called as I slipped my basketball shorts on. Once again with no answer, I quickly threw my T-shirt on and exited my stall.

__ “M-marco…”

I froze and blinked. That was quite the noise he made there. “Jean? Are you okay?”

I heard a loud groan and I tried the handle to the door, fearing for his well being. “I’m okay! I just switched the water to cold on accident and slipped when I did.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, almost screaming for becoming so crazy to get inside. Dear god did he scare the shit out of me… “You slipped on the floor because you turned the water to cold?”

“Yeah. It scared the shit out of me, I didn’t expect it to get cold.” he replied with an angry tone to his voice

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. This poor man was so hungover he couldn't even stand. He was trying to act cool in front of me. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt? Do you need me to help you?”

“No, I’m fine! I’m sorry, just—”

“Why were you saying my name?” I interjected suddenly. I wanted to know why he suddenly needed my help… and why he said it in such a lustful tone.

“I don’t know…”

Of course… of course he wouldn't know why he said my name like I was sucking his dick. I leaned against the wall next to his stall and slid down, sitting on the floor, pulling my phone out waiting for him. If he wasn't gonna tell me why the hell he said my name then I had to deal with it.

My phone screen lit up once again and I saw his last text illuminating in my face.

**(1 NEW MESSAGE)**

**From Jean:**

**Did we kiss?**

It was then that my whole body began to shake. I almost dropped my phone. He… remembered. What if he was aware the whole time? What if he really meant what he said, and it wasn't all drunk blabbering?

I quickly shoved my phone in my pocket, not bothering to text him back. "Yes," my voice cracked a bit. I blushed softly.

“What?”

“The answer to your last text,” I muttered in terror. 

It was quiet for a moment, only the sound of his water running. Then he shut it off and left me in silence for a few seconds. I dreaded his response.. what would he say? Would he hate me? Would he want to end our friendship? My whole body screamed wanting the silence to end. 

“Was I any good?” He replied quietly.

I laughed. Of anything he could say in that moment he was focused on his performance. “Very…”

But it was then that I understood his meaning… I was curious myself to see if he enjoyed himself as much as I did. “Was I?”

“I… Don’t remember,”

“Oh.” Of course… he was drunk. He was unaware of his actions when intoxicated. It was understandable. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed though.

“No, no no…” I heard him shuffling and then he opened the door, his hair was sopping wet and dripping over his bare chest which only seemed to make me go nuts inside. I couldn't bring myself to stare at him, bad things would happen if I did, so I let my eyes fly back up to his face. He blinked. “Marco that’s not what I meant…” He sat down next to me, putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. It was cute of him to try and comfort me over something so stupid… it had to be obvious at that point that I was head over heels for him.

“Jean…” I tried to keep eye contact with him, but I was failing with how hurt I was feeling at that moment. “You don’t have to be nice about it—”

“Marco.” he interrupted and took my hand, grasping it tightly. I blushed once again. “I don’t remember any of last night, at all. I’ll be pretty honest, I fucking wish I did.”

I had a little hope right then, but I couldn't help but feel embarrassed for my actions. I should have said no… we could have avoided this. “Why would you want to remember any of that?”

He shrugged. “I have my reasons. I don’t really wanna talk about it here… but I’ll talk to you about it. Just not here.”

I swallowed, wondering if this was the end… if this was the moment he would end our friendship. He wanted to leave me… maybe I was being dramatic. What if he just wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy? Maybe he was curious. I had no clue… but I needed to know. I stood up and offered my hand to him. He took it, that's all he had to do, and my whole body seemed to vibrate with excitement as he touched me. It was so terrifying how one man could activate me so easily.

Our bodies brushed close together as we headed out of the showers and into the halls, walking to the elevator. I don't know why I was so distracted at the moment, it was just a normal day… save it for the fact that I had kissed him and almost had sex with him last night, then saw him naked this morning. No big deal.

One thing seemed to bother me as we walked in silence. We reached the elevator and I pressed the button as I asked him, “Well… then how did you know we kissed?” To my horror, he pulled out his phone and began to scroll through his gallery.

Oh god… He showed me a photo of us from last night, his body on top of mine. We were kissing of course. I felt my face burning. “I told all of them to delete the photos! Who sent this to you?”

“Why did you want them deleted?”

_ Why? _ I thought. “I… I didn’t want your parents to see…”  _ I also didn’t want you to see but here we are… _ I thought.  _ Now I’m going to lose him… whoever sent him the damn photo is gonna spread it like wildfire, his family will see. It’s all my fucking fault. _ “I just didn’t want you to be compromised over a dare.”

Dead silence. God, I was mortified. Maybe he was angry. A photo was out there of him and I. It was my fault, I should have stayed and made sure all the evidence was deleted. Now Jean was going to suffer the consequences. His parents were rich… probably why he was in college. What if he lost his money to come to college? What if my sloppiness had made him lose everything?

I wanted to run away from him, I couldn't read his emotions, he could have been pissed, or stressed or sad, I wouldn't have known unless I asked, but like hell I was going to.

"Eren sent me the picture," he finally said, his voice void of emotion. Of course. Of fucking course. Give me nothing to go off of. "So, was the guy you liked at the party?"

_ Of all the questions… _ I thought, my mind wandering to his hands on my face and his lips on mine.  _ God… _ "Yeah… he was there."

"Did he see us kiss?" He sounded almost… happy. Happy? Why?

I didn't even know what to reply. At this point, how was he even unaware of the fact that it was him? It was blatantly obvious. Why would they have dared us to kiss in the first place? "I don't know, he was drunk,"

Jean let out a deep breath. "You think he might have blacked out like me?" He uttered in a disappointed tone.

"Yeah" I scoffed. “Not that it matters. It’s not like he would care anyways. He isn’t interested…” The moment the doors opened I flew inside and I had to hold myself back from sucker punching the up button. Maybe when we got back I could order pizza and then rush out… maybe he would forget about this conversation.

Highly unlikely. I thought to myself, sighing loudly.

“But what if he is?” Jean pushed.

“He isn’t…” I growled almost.

Jean seemed to give up at this point and it made me feel a little less stressed at him finding me out, but at the same time I felt disappointed. Like I had wanted him to push further. Was it because I was too scared to even tell him that the guy I liked at the party was him?

Jean looked like he was processing things. I wondered if it was because he had found out he had kissed me. What if he didn’t want to be friends with me after that? I couldn’t believe I risked our friendship like this. All because I was feeling horny and I wanted to kiss the boy. 

The doors to the elevator opened suddenly and the two of us stepped out. We were close to each other again, our hands brushing up against each other awkwardly as we walked in silence. I wanted to know what he was thinking about. I wondered if he had me all figured out, if he knew that I liked him. I wondered what would happen if he remembered he told me he had feelings for me… I wondered if he had actually meant it or if he was thinking of someone else.

_ He has to like someone like Mikasa… or Annie. Not me. _ I thought.  _ No… not me.  _ I opened the door to my dorm and let Jean inside, ushering him in awkwardly as we both silently picked out some clothing to wear after our shower. 

I wondered if kissing me made things awkward for him to hang out with me. I wondered if he wanted to leave...

“Marco—”

“Jean—”

Fuck… We had accidentally said things at the same time. I blushed, unsure if I wanted to ask if he wanted to leave anymore. “Y-you go first…” I said

Jean seemed a bit flustered too and he looked away as he spoke. “Do you hate me… you know. For kissing you?”

I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding and sighed. “No. I was going to ask you something similar.”

“Why would I hate you for letting me kiss you?”

_ Letting him kiss me? _ I thought.  _ He thinks I let him rather than not do anything to stop him. Oh no… _ “Because…” I said, my tone a bit sad as I slipped on a long sleeved shirt. “You’re straight. You’re not interested in guys and you were forced to kiss me, and there’s photographic proof and Eren—”

“Marco…” He interrupted. His back was turned to me, but I could see how red his ears were from the blush forming on his face. “I… I ah… I’m not sure if I’m straight.”

Silence.

I hadn’t expected him to say that. Something in my brain seemed to switch on as he said that and millions of thoughts poured through. What if Jean really did like me? What if he liked someone else… another guy that wasn’t me. What if Jean fantasized about that person. I felt jealousy build up inside me.

“Why?” I asked quietly, unsure how to respond.

“I… I like someone. A guy.”

I wanted to die. If he had feelings for me he would have told me by now… not drunk, completely sober. He knew that we had kissed, he knew that I just let him do it and in the photograph, it clearly showed how much I enjoyed kissing him. Also, I wasn’t exactly doing fantastic at hiding how much I liked him. Anything he did was making me react so needily… so desperate. All that I could think about was how his lips traced against mine so effortlessly and perfectly. How it felt to be crushed by his weight in my lap, how his body reacted to our kiss as he grinded into me, letting out soft sounds of pleasure…

I shook the thoughts from my head, tears forming in my eyes. I was glad he wasn’t looking at me because I quickly blinked them out of my eyes and wiped them away, hoping more wouldn’t form.

“I’m happy for you.” I said a bit dryly, hoping that my voice didn’t sound broken and hurt.

“Yeah.” he said quietly.

_ Marco, I have feelings for you… _

_ No… no he doesn’t. _ I thought.  _ He was just drunk. _

*******

_ Attention students: Due to the influx of applications, the deadline for dorm changes has been extended for two weeks. Applications are due at the end of this month. Please try to turn them in ASAP to your Dorm’s supervisor for quicker approval. Thank you for your cooperation, students. Have a great day! _

The announcement was almost drowned out over all the people in the lunchroom socializing with each other after the long break. I wouldn’t have heard it if it wasn’t one of the last things on my mind. I wondered what Jean would decide. He had longer to make a choice now, and I wasn’t sure if he wanted to anymore. Sure, he’d have just as much privacy in his original dorm, but would he want to bring some guy he was dating to a dorm room he shared with a guy he had made out with?

I wouldn’t. 

It had been a week since the party and Jean had been extremely sparse with his social interaction with me. He was definitely avoiding me again, but he was being better about it by actually texting me back when I texted him. But talking to him only seemed to make me hurt worse. 

I picked at my food, not really hungry due to how stressed I was over Jean. I must have looked really stressed because Krista sat across from me suddenly, with Ymir closely behind.

“Why are you so sad, Marco?” Krista asked, scooting close to me.

I didn’t really want to answer, I felt like they were probably responsible for the last plan to try and push Jean and I together, and that didn’t work, clearly.

Ymir rolled her eyes at me. “Did Jean do something?”

I yet again didn’t want to answer, but I could feel my heart ache at the sound of his name. It hurt to hear it. It broke me. I felt tears in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them quick enough as I felt them fall from my face. I quickly covered my eyes, wiping them on my sleeve as I hoped neither of them saw. Krista put her arm around me and rubbed my back and I felt embarrassed suddenly, making my tears flow even more. “I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking. No I wasn’t. They could tell I was lying.

“What did Jean do?” Ymir asked, leaning a bit closer to me.

Fuck, I hated how easy it was for them to read me. They knew it was all about Jean and yet I hadn’t said anything. I wiped my face again, sniffling as I spoke. “Nothing.”

“Marco, you guys are usually attached at the hip.” She said, sneering as she said so. “Clearly he did something because you guys haven’t seen each other since our party, have you?”

“That’s not true…” I said quietly. “We spent the night together after the party…”

“That’s still one whole week of avoiding each other.” She once again rolled her eyes. “What happened? Everyone thought that you guys kissing would have done it. Why aren’t you guys together?”

“He doesn’t like me,” I said a bit louder, my voice a bit hoarse and hurt.

Krista stopped rubbing my back and made eye contact with Ymir. They shared a look that could only be described with the words ‘What the fuck,’ and then they both looked at me. “You’re joking right?”

“No…” I said weakly. “He even told me he likes a guy… a man. A fucking dude. Why wouldn't he just say he liked me if he actually liked me?”

_ Marco, I have feelings for you…  _ My chest ached. No. He was drunk. He didn't mean that at all.

Ymir pressed both her hands into her face and sighed loudly. “Men are idiots…” She muttered before raising her head back up to look at me. “Marco, you need to tell him you like him. You need to at least talk about how you two kissed. Does he even know?”

“Eren told him… He sent a photo I told him to delete. Jean saw it and he’s been avoiding me ever since.” I sighed and pushed my food away, putting my arms on the table and resting my head in them. “He doesn’t like me. If he did, he would have told me by now.”

“For fucks sake…” Krista suddenly grabbed my face and pulled me up, startling me a bit as she did so. She hissed words into my face, so that others wouldn’t hear. “You really think that Jean has a crush on anyone else other than you? He quite literally only hangs out with one man on campus and that’s you. You, Marco. How can he have a crush on literally anyone else?”

“Krista…” Ymir seemed a bit tense. She cleared her throat. “Listen… What Krista is saying is that you should think about it a bit more. You never know, he might like you. You should talk to him about it and tell him your feelings for him. If he already likes some other guy, maybe he could end up figuring out he has feelings for you too.”

I pulled my face out of Krista’s grip and folded my arms, scowling at the both of them. "That's not how it works…" I said quietly. "If someone else other than Jean came up to me and told me they liked me, I wouldn't like them… It’s probably the same for Jean and that stupid crush of his… I don't like anyone else more than I've liked Jean… he's different."

"Jesus Christ, you're the most dense motherfucker alive," Krista laughed. "Jean has to like  _ you _ , Marco.  _ You _ . There's one else he could like more than you! Go fucking talk to him already."

"I couldn't if I wanted to, he's avoiding me!" I yelled. "Why would he avoid me if he liked me?"

"Because he's a pussy," Ymir deadpanned, carefully examining her nails. "And so are you."

I blinked as Krista grabbed Ymir's hand and looked at her sternly. "He's upset! You don't have to absolutely destroy him right now."

"Why not? It's true." She sighed, then turned back to me. "Prove me wrong. Talk to him."

"I… can't," I didn't have an excuse at this point. Jean avoiding me was helping me avoid talking to him about anything like that. I was just trying to hide from actually telling him the truth.

"Then you're a pussy."

“I’m not!” I yelled a bit too loudly. A few eyes fell on us and I shrunk back into my seat, hoping they’d look away. “I’m not a… pussy.” I didn’t like that word much, it felt dirty to say it. “I could talk to him about it anytime I want.”

“Oh is that so?” Ymir seemed to lean in, making me scoot my chair a bit back. “Says the person who can barely say the word pussy. It’s just a word.” She looked over my shoulder away from me and a smile formed on her face. “If you can talk to him anytime about it, why not now? I just saw him walk in.”

My heart leapt out of my chest as I saw her raise up from her chair and wave at him, calling his name.

I pulled her down, blushing brightly as I shook my head at her. “What are you doing?” I hissed.

She smiled smugly at me. “Doing what you’re too scared to do, Pussy.”

I turned my head only to make eye contact with Jean for a moment as I watched him try to walk through the crowd to us. To me…

Fuck… fuck fuck fuck. I thought, my heart fluttering. I was lying. I couldn’t talk to him at any time. I needed to have him alone for that and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be pushed by two lesbians to confess my feelings to a guy who clearly didn’t like me. Jean was getting closer and my heart was going insane. I had to think of something, I couldn’t do it here…

And so I stood up and I started to run in the other direction. “I-I gotta get to class!” I squealed behind me as I left them behind. As I turned my head to speak I saw Jean just watching me, standing where I had sat, a defeated look on his face.

_ Marco, I have feelings for you. _

I closed my eyes as I ran, hoping that his words would someday let me be in peace.

******

_ "Stars are born within the clouds of dust and scattered throughout most galaxies. An example of such is the Orion Nebula. Turbulence deep within these clouds…" _

The professor was droning on, showing his powerpoint on stars to the class. Astronomy used to be one of my favorite classes and now it felt like I was on high alert, stressed constantly that something bad would happen. Jean and I used to take notes together so that we could study, but from what I could see he was just listening to what he was saying, not really writing anything. He looked empty, and sad. It hurt… did his parents find out about the picture? Were his days at school numbered? Did he blame me for letting him kiss me while he was drunk?

Jean’s head turned a bit and I quickly looked down to my notes, attempting to scrawl what the professor was saying.

_ “As the cloud collapses, the material at the center begins to heat up. Known as a protostar, it is this hot core at the heart of the collapsing cloud that will one day become a star…” _

I glanced back over to Jean who was now twirling a pencil that he had chewed the eraser off of on his desk, still looking a bit distant and depressed.

I pulled out my phone to text him.

**To Jean:**

**Hey… are you alright? You look a bit sad today.**

I hit send and a few seconds later I saw Jean jump a little, like he was startled at the sudden text message, then pulled out his phone. He looked up to me and I could see his exhausted eyes. He clearly hadn’t slept very good the past week. I let out a soft sigh and raised my eyebrow at him as if to say ‘Well?’

He quickly typed something. I got the message from him and checked it.

**From Jean:**

**just a bit tired**

**To Jean:**

**Nightmares?**

**From Jean:**

**yeah… u could say that**

My brow furrowed as I looked at the last text message, looking up to Jean only to see him lying on his desk. I bit my lip, wondering what I should say to him. I thought about Ymir bothering me and I let out a long sigh before finally texting him.

**To Jean:**

**Can we talk after class?**

I knew that Jean had a break after that class, and so did I. Normally we would use that break to go eat lunch, but I wasn’t feeling hungry. I figured that we could get things over with and talk about it during our break and then part ways before class… hopefully not for the last time.

Jean read my text and kind of stared at it for a moment. I felt like I was going to die, the suspense of his answer was killing me. Was he mad? Did he not want to talk about it? Suddenly my phone buzzed, and I saw his answer.

**From Jean:**

**yeah**

How informative.

The lesson lasted about an hour but it felt like days before he let us free. I already had all my things packed into my bag and I quickly slung it over my shoulder before walking down the aisle to Jean’s seat. He was still shoving his notebook into his bag when he looked up and saw me.

“Shit…” He jumped. “You’re like a ghost, Bodt. So goddamn quiet...”

“Sorry…” My voice cracked. I was a bit nervous to talk to him, but I wanted to know why he was avoiding me… and since he was already avoiding me, I might as well confess my feelings to him so that I could either lose him for good, or somehow miraculously keep him by my side. "Can we talk in my dorm room? I don't have class till one."

Jean seemed a bit nervous, but he nodded. "Of course…"

We walked in silence towards the dorms, my heart going nuts in my chest as I took each step closer to my fate. I was going to lose my best friend, I just knew it, and it hurt immensely. I felt my throat constricting as I held back tears. I wasn't gonna cry in front of Jean no matter what. I couldn't cry. I needed to stay strong. I needed to stay focused.

Breathe Marco.

We reached my room and I unlocked the door, letting Jean walk through first. I walked in after him and shut the door behind me before turning to him. He sat on the guest bed, looking a bit terrified as he shuffled his feet and nervously carded his fingers through his hair.

He knew what we were going to talk about, he was just as scared of losing me as I was. I felt myself calm down a little, knowing that Jean cared about me and he didn't want to lose me either. I needed to trust him. He wouldn't leave me for telling him the truth.

I let out a long sigh and sat in my own bed, staring at him. He was looking away, trying really hard to avoid eye contact, but I could see sweat dripping from his forehead. He was definitely nervous about something.

I cleared my throat and he once again jumped. He was incredibly jumpy. It scared me. 

"Um… so." I started. I realized that I didn't think I'd get this far and I hadn't planned what I was going to say or ask. I felt myself panic a bit. "Um… do you hate me?"

"What?" Jeans eyebrows furrowed worriedly. "No. I don't I don't hate you,"

_ I have feelings for you. _ My chest ached.

"You're avoiding me again. You promised me you wouldn't do that."

He was quiet, staring down at his feet with guilt in his eyes. “I honestly thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”

“Why?” I asked quietly. “Do you think I’m mad at you?”

He couldn’t make eye contact with me, but I wasn’t sure what I’d do if he looked into my eyes. I wouldn’t be able to handle it either. I was scared, and quite honestly a little depressed after hearing that he thought I didn’t want to talk to him. I patiently waited for his response. “I mean, yeah…” he finally replied. “Because… y’know… we kissed.”

His awkwardness only seemed to feed my anxiety. Why would I be mad about the kiss we shared? That was the one and only moment in my life that my dreams and wishes for the past four months were fulfilled. I was over the moon to kiss him, but… “I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?” He seemed confused. “You told me the guy you liked was at this party and he saw us kiss. Me, on top of you, sitting in your goddamn lap, all up in your fucking business, and you’re telling me you aren’t pissed off?”

I shut my eyes and sighed loudly. “That… doesn’t matter.”

“Why, because he doesn’t like you?” Jean was starting to get a bit heated, his voice was filled with rage… and dare I say, jealousy. “Marco, you’d better tell me who the fuck this asshole is, because I’m about ready to beat the shit out of him. You’re perfect, and if he can’t see that, he’s an idiot.” He was yelling, his arms were shaking as he gripped the bed under him, leaning in as he breathed heavily. Angrily.

“Listen…” I shook my head, trying not to let his words make me swoon. “He’s not interested in me, and he never will be. Beating the shit out of him isn’t going to change his mind, and you couldn’t if you wanted to. It’s impossible.”

“You think I’m incapable of beating the shit out of someone? Is he bigger than me? Does he, like, know how to do Karate?” He got up and started pacing, his hands carded through his hair as he breathed deeply with anger. “You said he was at that party? Was he in the truth or dare circle?”

I shook my head. Dear God… “Yep…”

“Is it Eren?”

“No…”

“Good, I  _ can _ beat the shit out of him. I’ve done it before. He's a stupid, puny, little fucking bitch.” He muttered, pressing his pointer finger on his lips as he caressed the bottom of his chin. “Connie?”

“No.” I was getting a bit nervous. I should have never told him that information. If he listed all the people in the circle, he’d just eliminate every guy there except for him. I wondered if I should stop him there or just confess right then and there, but I was terrified when he was so heated. Would he just end things right now and walk out of the room if I told him? I gulped as he said another name.

“Reiner?”

“Jean, I don’t know if I want to do this—”

He scoffed and let out a dry laugh. “It’s Reiner isn’t it? You’re avoiding the question.”

“No, Jean—”

"You're scared because he already has a boyfriend, of course."

"Jean, it's not—"

But he wouldn't let me speak. "Or did you try to tell him and he rejected you? Fuck… if he did, I swear I'll wring his fucking neck."

"No—"

“I could take Reiner.” He growled, pacing faster, his arms trembling from how much anger was in his veins. “I could beat the shit out of him, he’s bigger and tougher than I am, but I sure as hell could give him a black eye if I wanted to. I could break the motherfucker’s nose and—”

“No!” I yelled, standing up to look at him. He looked a bit shocked at how loud I yelled, but he wasn't listening to me. He had stopped pacing and looked at me for a moment, his eyes narrowed and full of fear, as if he wanted to ask me something but he was scared to. I breathed in for a moment, wanting to say it already, but I was too scared to even tell him. “It’s not Reiner.”

He stared for a moment as if processing what I said and then turned away to pace again, this time a bit slowly, before quietly responding. “Bertholdt?”

“No.” The look in his eyes prior made me want him to continue. Maybe it was time for him to learn that I liked him… And Jean was doing all the work for me.

“Armin?” He continued. His voice still in the quiet tone from before. He sounded almost scared. 

My heart raced. “No.”

He stopped for a moment, looking out the window as he thought. My heart raced, the last two boys in the circle that night were me and him, and he knew because he had a photo of us kissing. “Was there any other guys in the circle?” He asked.

“Me…” I closed my eyes, my heart was racing as I finally spoke. “And… you.”

He didn’t move, from the side he looked a bit scared. His hand raised up to his chest and pressed against it like his chest was aching. I pulled my legs up onto the bed and curled up a bit, trying to hide myself as I pressed my face into my knees.

“Me?” He finally said.

I was curled into a ball, scared to even look at him, but I nodded in answer.

“I… Me?” His voice sounded a bit broken. “W-why me…”

Why him? God…

I thought back on so many memories I had with him. The way he clung to me the first night we hung out and watched scary movies. The way he beat the shit out of those people for me who tried to hit on Krista. The days we would hang out in my room, eat pizza and play video games till we passed out. The nights I held him as he fell asleep in my arms after having nightmares. The way his expressions changed so easily and how animated he seemed.

The way his lips felt as he crushed them onto mine. So soft… and smooth. The taste of beer lingering on them as we kissed. His hands on my cheeks, so gentle and yet so desperate. The way his legs squeezed me as he straddled me and pulled me closer to him. His voice… the sounds he made when we kissed, his breath as he desperately tried to kiss me more.

I wanted to keep reflecting on the past, but I couldn’t. I had to give him an answer. I raised my head for a moment, still hugging my legs as I spoke. “I’ve liked you since the day you knocked on my door with Panera.”

That made him smile. He gave a soft chuckle and turned to lean against the wall. “Really… that long?”

I felt the weight in the room fall off my shoulders for a moment and I smiled and chuckled, blushing a bit. “Y-yeah…”

“Wow…” He moved to sit on the bed next to me, placing his hands on his knees. “Y’know, that means that Eren wasn’t lying to me at New Years.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “Well, he told me that you liked me,”

“He told you that?!” I squeaked. Why did he do that?

“I didn’t believe him though,” he said, leaning back a bit. “We talked for about ten minutes and he was trying to get it into my dense head, but I couldn’t trust him.”

I furrowed my brow and stared at him a bit confused. I was a bit scared because he hadn’t told me he didn’t like me yet, and I was mortified to hear the words uttered from his mouth. “You and Eren talking? and not fighting?”

“Yeah, pretty fucking weird, huh?” He was smiling wildly. “I was going crazy trying to figure out who this guy you liked was. We had just gotten off the phone and he had overheard us talking. He uh… challenged me to do something during the break and I was too scared to do it. We talked for a bit and you had told me that this guy you liked told you he liked someone, and Eren helped me connect the dots. I didn't trust him, of course, but I… I wished it was true."

My heart leaped suddenly and I felt my body tremble with anticipation. "Jean…" I muttered, my chest aching. Did he actually like me? Was his drunk confession true? I… I wanted to hear him say it. Sober, and cognitive. I wanted it confirmed.

"Marco, you know how I wanted to kiss someone on New Years?"

I shook with so much fear, and excitement, wanting him to confirm his words to me a week prior. "Yeah…"

"W-well…" his voice cracked, and he looked nervously at his feet as he spoke. "I wanted to, uh... kiss you."

I gasped involuntarily and looked at him, my entire body screaming to just jump on top of him and kiss him again, but I held myself back from just pouncing on him. “You… wanted to kiss me?”

“Did I fucking stutter?” he said, his face suddenly flushed red. “Of course I wanted to kiss you.”

_ Marco, I have feelings for you. _

My heart panged with desire as my eyes seemed to wander down from his eyes to his lips. All I could think of was the way they had felt on mine a week prior and all I wanted at that moment was to feel them again. I wanted Jean to be on top of me again. I wanted to hear him say it…

“Why do you want to kiss me?” I asked, pushing him. I knew why, I just wanted to hear it. I wanted it confirmed so badly it was making my heart beat quicker and quicker. 

“Because I…” He started. He was avoiding eye-contact the entire time. “This whole time I thought you loved someone else. If I knew it was me the whole time…” He shook his head and growled, falling back into the bed. “I would have told you that I loved you too.”

“Jean…” My voice was broken, and my voice caught as I felt my throat constrict. Why was I on the verge of tears? Maybe it was because of all the emotion I was holding back all this time. I was free of my secret and I was relieved that in doing so, I didn’t lose my best friend. Quickly trying to wipe away any of my tears that were starting to form, I looked down at Jean who was laying next to me. When we made eye contact he looked away, his face flushing bright red. I grabbed his wrist and he glanced at me from the corner of his eye, looking a bit surprised. Then, I wrapped his arm around me before pulling him in for a hug, one of my hands tangling in his two toned hair and the other tightly wrapped around his waist as we laid in my bed together. He paused, then let out a long sigh and chuckled as he hugged me back, his arms tightening around my waist. "I love you," I almost whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner, dumbass?" Jean muttered as he clung tighter. "We could have avoided all this shit. I love you so Goddamn much."

"I love you..." I choked again weakly, still attempting to not cry on him.

He pulled out of our hug, which made my body scream with agony, but then Jean grabbed my face, two hands on either side of my cheeks and he pulled me in without warning. Our kiss was soft, yet passionate. He was warm, and his lips were as smooth as I remembered. My eyes fluttered closed as I kissed him back, my arms once again wrapping around him. We parted after a few seconds, staring into each other's eyes for a moment before we both darted our eyes away. My cheeks were flushed bright red, and I could tell that Jean was just as red.

With a soft chuckle, I pressed a long kiss to his cheek and he shivered a bit. I smiled and pressed more to his red cheeks, watching them turn hues darker. "S-stop…"

I did, and Jean let out what sounded like a relieved sigh. I pulled him in close again and closed my eyes as I cuddled into his chest once again. “Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“Be my roommate?” I asked. 

He laughed. “Sure, Bodt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm shocked you made it this far! Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed what I've written so far. Updates might be sporadic... Feel free to kudos and comment!


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